Don't Haggle

This is how I felt today at work when some old woman haggled me for 5 minutes about the prices AFTER her stylist had finished. 5 minutes she wouldn't give up the dough! Oh, but I got it.

Forrest Gump Soundtrack

Spent some time last night putting in more of my old cd booklets into my itunes. I've always put off doing this one because I have the original 3 cd set from when the movie first came out, and I knew it would take the longest. (though it is a 2 cd set, the originals had a bonus third cd- don't know if you can still get it ) Anyhow, I finally did it last night. Not only the best classic songs, but the way the genres are threaded together in perfect sequence of decades, is brilliant. This is definitely one of the BEST film soundtracks ever constructed. Do yourselves a favor and just put the whole thing in your library already.

Creativity

"Take more time alone to think and daydream. Some of the world's greatest ideas, stories and inventions have come as a flash of insight caught in the moment.
..oh, and have it copyrighted or patented while your at it."

-STEPHEN SPIELBERG

SOTD-TVC 15 David Bowie

I rarely play songs over and over, but this morning I couldn't get enough of this song in my headphones. It is a relatively unknown David Bowie song that came up on shuffle and it's so groovy. Bear with it, it seems a little drab at first, but there is a piano and hand clapping and wangy guitar that comes in towards the end that just makes it so late 70's, new wave cool. He's always been an iconic favorite of mine. When I was in high school wearing my little 1940's dresses to school, he was one of the few artists that was wearing the tailored trousers, jackets, vests and fedoras and I just loved his classy style. Now that's a sexy man, a sharp dresser. :)

All my young readers, you may want to check out some David Bowie, he's pretty cool. And I will post a couple of the suggestions you sent. Thank you for sending.

Love

Love is not a 'pros' and a 'cons' list. Love is just love and sometimes there will be a something that one of the others has to work through. And I believe love, real love, will get through it, in time. And it's not a rule that the first year has to be problem free to know it's good, and THEN it gets more boring and difficult. Although trust can be broken as the first year is unfortunately suppose to set the tone and this is harder to rectify. I understand and completley respect that. But I am determined. You can have the good fortune to work through the bullshit right away and spend the next 80 years in the honeymoon phase. That's what I want. That's what I believe.

When you fall in love, you're not buying a house or a car (though it is the biggest emotional investment of your life as they are your confidant and your best friend), you are investing in a another human being. And if a person is intrinsically good and there is love, amazing things happen. Only love (for yourself and from and for someone else) can make you the best you can be. And what I have learned, it is the right love that finally makes you want to do this, and it is a beautiful thing- as hard as growth, much like physical growing pains, can be. It is so worth it. Not only for the relationship, but for yourself. Surely a bad pattern permeates other areas of your life and would only be a wonderful thing for you over all to release and let go of, in all areas.

Better than any money or success or anything you can touch. That feeling for someone else. When we are together I feel healthy, I feel happy, we talk, we challenge each other, we love to laugh ,we have ideas. When I wasn't acting like an insecure 'argumentative for no reason' fool, we we've been a very happy couple. The best relationship I've ever known. Being in love with him makes me want to be a better person. I don't crave for other things when I'm with him.

I don't believe that after a few years, there is a free pass to act miserable and inappropriate and only then do you get a free pass to work through it because you were so perfect the first year or two. In a way, I believe if a fault comes out that is something the person should work through for themselves anyway at the beginning, and you get through it, it gets all the bullshit out of the way for the future. Problem is, when it happens too soon, you have to build trust again. That the beauty of the 'thing' happening down the line is easier, because there is a solid foundation of trust built, or comfortable familiarity and you just stay and are more apt to see it through.

I believe even if it's at the beginning there should be a chance. I know there is more pros than one big fat changeable con. I believe in love and I believe there is a chance.

*And I love when things are symbotic. My friend Sheryar (the chiropractor and speaker that I've mentioned here on my blog before) posted this just today. And I couldn't agree more. He's right.

Sheryar Masud: In life, like weather it is in health, wealth and or close relationships with people that will make you stretch. Be with people that will help you stay accountable. Train yourself like a olympic athlete. I have a coach and people in my life, like my wife and business partner that keep me accountable for everything to stay on course. It is sad if a person is the same year... after year. I know people that I have known thier shortcomings for years that have never really GROWN UP PERSONALLY! Don't wait-Grow!

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I think it is no mistake that things come to your life just when you need to hear and see them.

Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers

Something about early 80's rock and roll just cheers me up when I'm down and Tom Petty's good for that. He's good because he makes me feel that 'sittin' on the porch with a beer and blue jeans watchin' the world go by' kind of feeling, and that's a nice feeling. :)

Grass, Backyards and Nice people

I grew up in the country. I come from a very down to earth family. When I moved to NY, I lived out at the beach in Sag Harbor. I've dabbled in the city for fashion shows, but prior to having gone to Central Park, and some art shows, until I took a job freelancing in the city 2 days a week, I've never spent a significant amount of time in NYC. Yes- I love music and art, but I've always slept with the smell of fresh grass coming in my window and the stars in full view and fresh air, and Bob and Joe saying hello to you at the bagel shop. The city is soo loud, how someone could not only work here full time, let alone live here, is beyond me. Pursuing a full time position, won't be pursued here. It's too stressful and too damn loud. Actually, I've always thought it was dirty and the biggest thing is there's too many nutcases walking around ready to snap. That's no way to live. Tooo loud!!
You can take a country girl out of the country, but you can't take the hammock loving, birds chirping country out of the girl. :) Life's too short.

*oh- and I was gonna post a new kick ass breakfast bar recipe today instead of my city chat, but after having eaten one- I still have to perfect it. darn. Too cakey and muffin like third attempt. This time- I'm thinkin' more peanut butter, less flour. hmm

Wow

Someone in my Facebook friends just posted this actual close up picture of a bug she saw in the street near her California home. Amazing, right? Isn't nature just spectacular? He looks like he was saying 'yow, what the hell is that thing! don't squash me!"

Two Choices

'Crazy'- "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"- Albert Einstein

I've done about 3 personal blog entries on my blog, all of which I have quickly taken off. One was really meant for someone else, and the others, well, I have this kind of belief about the blog- that if you are not sharing something to make someone laugh or teach them something or open someone to something new, that it is too private and/or narcissistic to share, and I 'm not a big fan of that.
Yet, I have read some that are personal that have moved me, that a have taught me something new about the person that has the blog, or I related to their story and had an "ah-ha' I've experienced that moment" revelation about myself, so this rare one that is ultimately a little embarrassing, honest, yet necessary, will not only do something for some of you, but mostly for me.
My boyfriend broke up with me Friday night. We had been arguing (because of what I am going to talk about below) and had tried a break here and there, yet I continued to nag and do what the problem I always had been, that it was inevitable. And this isn't a first. I love him very very much. For me, I don't think I could have found a more suited, kind, caring, smart, funny person to have the gift of knowing and loving. He's amazing. And taking a good look what I finally know to be true of any relationship, if it is really love, if you really respect that person, it is your duty to think of them first and if you continually hurt them and you know you're better than that, the only call of the day is to take a good hard look at yourself. Messing something up, being heartbroken, you have two choices- wallow in it OR take a look at yourself and change. So, I feel more for the pain I have caused him, than for how sad I am, and to me that is a gift. To love and respect something so much you honor them by taking care of your personal issues. That's why I believe there are certain people that do awful things to others, because they don't have a conscience. They don't feel true heartache when they hurt someone (a stranger, someone they know) Sure, sometimes they say sorry, but it doesn't mean anything and there is sure to be another 'sorry' just around the corner. Or they just go around hurting people because they are so cut off from their emotions, that they truly don't care. Neither one of these is in my heart, yet I do have a bad pattern that makes me be dry and paranoid and sarcastic and hurtful when I am just insecure, ultimatley. I'm not going to live that way anymore. So, like I said- Two choices.
The past 24 hours, I've been playing a reel of my life's history in my head. keeping the main focus on my relationship history, yet going back even further to who I was before I began dating and where did this issue I have begin.
I'm not going pull some Freudian analysis like I'm on a couch about my parents and my whole life story, because over all it was a nice upbringing. And anyway you can't wallow in the past or be sitting on a couch forever. YET, when you do the above "same thing over and over" that destroys something (for me, a relationship- for some it might be jobs, friendships, alcohol, yo- yo weight gain) you MUST work hard and be diligent and honest with yourself to change. I have done it with my eating, I've changed my whole diet years ago from the way I was brought up, to living a healthy lifestyle. I did it with my education, coming from a family who has no history of college and I was told it would be too expensive, you can't do it, I did it. I am strong and I will not hurt another person in my life. As I've said, it is going to be hard because obviously trying to just snap into being sweet and perfect every minute doesn't work, it''s short lived. I have have an insecurity in me in relationships (and you could watch a movie of me from 18 to present with the same behavior and endings over and over -it's very sad and comical) that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That they really won't love me after all, and the littlest thing they say or do that seems quite natural, I will take the complete opposite way and attack them for it. I'll try to tell him "I didn't mean it like that", but that's what it is, that what it sounds like. Right there, black and white. What I really mean, if I am honest is this-"I do these things that you don't deserve and I want to explain to why but for you not leave me or think I'm mean. It just ends up alienating him (as it would any respectable person)Paranoid, insecurity- It's very sad. and stops here. I hadn;t been stopped enough to make myself be that aware.
When I told a couple of people what happened, they all say the same thing, "But Trenny you're so sweet. You're such a good person I''ve never hear you yell or argue. I can't imagine"
So sweet. hmm. blah blah blah. This coming from c0-workers, friends, etc..." But ask a boyfriend. I am friends with a couple of my past boyfriends, (which does show me that they know I am not intentionally hurtful on purpose) they will tell you straight away (having talked to one of them last night-very weird and humbling by the way) , that I could have a tendency to make them feel like 'what did I do now?" A long ago boyfriend that I talk to periodically who lives in California and is an acting teacher and who is smart and kind and spiritually in tune with the world and himself -now married- told me this, and I am pretty much qouting because I made him say it again.--
"when you acted like I was going on a trip or doing something else without you and you took it as a personal rejection, or even if I worded something not to your liking, you would get upset and treat me emotionally unkind, it just made me want to get away from you." There is it is. Lightbulb. He said it made me seem to in need. Ah-"needy" . Here from the girl who has moved away from all she knew and been so strong in so many other ways. That's very strange and unattractive. blarck. Jack also says that he learned a great lesson after having moved to California and finally pursue his dreams and after falling in love. That he had finally found peace. But it was only because he recognized in himself that before he was peaceful, he had been so used to living a life of drama and difficulty in the past, that he was so used to it, that even if something was good, he would find a way to make it hard. Another lightbulb. We laughed and said maybe that's why we tolerated each other so long. (we were also very young and stupid) lol
How lucky was I to talk to him and for me to able to hear that. It isn't pretty, it isn't easy, it's embarrassing, it sucks, but I know that if I really examine it and be disciplined about this behavior in my mind and my heart,it will go away. I've been strong and seen it happen in my life with other things before, quite beautifully. He was also kind enough to tell me that a year before he moved to California, he thought of us getting back together, except he knew I had started my job with Billy Joel and wouldn't leave. That helped as it made me realize he knew me better than that flaw.
This isn't a long time journey, I know what to do, I just need to do it. Scott (my boyfriend, ex boyfriend's name. (god I can't even say ex right now) has had an awful 48 hours because of me. And up and down emotional roller coaster for ahwile because of me- I have been feeling like total shit too. I'm sure we both slept our weekend away. And like I said, living with having hurt someone so beautiful and seeing him depressed makes me so sad. It's so wrong. I love him so much that I will not carry that behavior around anymore. We both deserve better. Even if I can't make him trust me again.
Overall- I am a good girlfriend outside of this issue I have to work on. I love taking care of him and making him laugh and making sure he feels happy and good. The last ting I want is for him to think what anyone may think "boy, I just can't wait to move on and find someone nicer and better, someone easier". I don't want him to move on. I want to win him back. I want us both to be happy and easy. I can't do anything to rectify that today but leave him alone. That's what he wants. I need to apologize to his friends too, and I hope I get a chance to do that. I'm sure they don't think too highly of me either. And his parents. He is an only child and they love him so much and are so down to earth, I am ashamed that they have to have seen him so sad because of me. I want to make that better too.
So, the bottom line is this. If you have a reoccurring habit you don't like. If someone stands up to to and says "enough of your bullshit" -take it as a gift. Don't say sorry. Change. Take a look at yourself. Habits can be broken, you're life can be beautiful, but it's all up to you.
I mean how many times can a dog 'play' nice and you try to pet them again and again and they bite you. You defanitley will say "fuck it, that dogs gonna bite me and I ain't pettin' it anymore." I hope he can forgive me sometime soon and we can work this out someday soon.
(ironically, he is my neighbor and I can hear him blowing his sweet little nose right now through the walls. :( he's a little nose blower- and though he would always apologize to me for it, I even love that too. )

Lord Have Mercy......

WHY???????????????????????????????????????? GIRLS- When you blow up your lips with restalyne, you don't look sexy, they never look naturally full and you ALWAYS end up looking like a fish. And I can bet my life on the fact that you did not sign on to look like a sea trout. Control yourselves, would ya? Oh, and another thing. Does messing up your face and/or losing weight also come with the 'fake tan so much that you turn orange" prize package as well? Stop that also.

But, in all seriousness, I feel for these women. They must be suffering such low self esteem, due to the fact that she couldn't see how adorable she was before. That's super sad. Her money would have been better spent in therapy and not a plastic surgeon's office.

SOTD-The Pretenders- Tattooed Love Boy

The Pretenders rock and Chrissie Hynde kicks ass! I'm not posting this cuz I'm 'stuck in the 80's' with my music, it's just a damn great song and I need someone to tell me where the Joan Jett and Chrissie Hynde of 2010 is. I will download her in a second. We need to mix up the dance party choreographed girlies, with some tough ass rock and roll mamas..right???

Soft & Yummy Spring Summer Skin

Nothing bothers me more than seeing people plop down $30 at Sephora or Bath & Body Works or some shop like that for some sort of 'Body Scrub" within which half the ingredients are chemicals and fragrances. I have been using the same little simple and cheap scrub in the shower for years, and I am telling you--I have such soft yummy skin in the Summer, you should try it too!
The Cost? $4.00-now you cannot beat that.

Simply get a medium sized tupperware container with a lid from the grocery or your cabinet.
Add-
1/2 cup organic Brown Turbinado sugar granules
1 cup of Olive, Grape Seed, or Avocado Oil

*Stir 'em up together and put the lid on. Keep in your shower and scrub up once a week all over rover! No yucky cheap moisturizer needed. You will love your skin---so will your significant other. :)
*Oh- and if you like a little sexy smell, get an essential oil that is to your liking and add a few drops to scent it your way. This scrub is so much healthier than anything you can buy in a store, PLUS do you know what you put on your skin goes into your pores? So, that in turn means that it also goes into your bloodstream. Instead of scrubs and soaps with dyes and chemicals and fragrance, you are now putting anti-oxidant FOOD into your skin with these healthy oils. Your body will thank you.
Enjoy!

Volunteer/Donate--Just Like The Muppets!

"Volunteer" as the Muppets are doing! Well, you know, kind of..considering their just puppets and all. ;)
But the ad's cute and has it right. Consider volunteering for a cause or donating to a charity. Spring is a good time for renewal and change. If you don't donate or volunteer, listen to your heart and go online and try and find something that speaks to what you believe in. Even as little as $5 dollars a month to something that moves you, that you believe in, can make huge changes. (ie- animals, sick children, education programs, etc...)
It will make you feel good. I promise.

Friends/Good Adivce

I posted something on Facebook last week, about "I made a mistkae and hurt someone I care deeply about. Best advice?"....something like that. And amongst my friend's comments, the simplest one was from my friend Eric in California, and I thought I'd share it. I think it is advice that will always come to use when you feel you've slipped up, and it is so simple. It is.....

"Forgive yourself and do better"

Period.

Sun, Naked, Laying

Just three days here with my boyfriend right now........that's not too much for a girl to ask.

SOTD- Genesis- Land Of Confusion

Watch Genesis - Land of Confusion (Original) in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

I love Genesis. Like top 5 bands I love kind of love. But I am partial to the early Genesis. "Man On The Corner", "Paperlate", Misunderstanding", "The Air Tonite" and "Turn It On Again". As the 1980's started to creep up in years however, Genesis started to become being played less on the 'rock' stations and more on the 'easy pop' stations that they would play in the dentist office, unfortunately. So, by the time this record came out, there they were in this genre, and I had since move onto The Clash and The Smiths, and it was only 'cool' in my music snob group of friends to think Genesis had now sold out and become corny. Yet......there are always things you like on the DL when you're a kid, so you're friends don't think you're a lame-o. Despite thier new standing in the world of music, I still loved Genesis. Had my friends known, much to thier chagrin, I LIKED 'Sussido" and "Illegal Alien" and the above song (and brilliant video, which back then, was intellectually and conceptually WAY ahead of early music videos time) "Land Of Confusion" I loved! Still do. This song came on yesterday on my headset on the train, and I thought to myself for the first time in a long time, "damn, this is a GREAT song" and even more relevant today.

"There's too many men,
too many people,
making too many problems
and not much love to go 'round,
can't you see this is a land of confusion?

THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN,
THESE ARE THE HANDS WERE GIVEN
USE THEM AND LET'S START TRYING
TO MAKE IT A PLACE WORTH LIVING IN."

So, Genesis, sorry I publically abandoned you back then on this record. I'm here to give this song my blogpost of the day. And to all of my 80's friends who read my blog, I loved this song, even back then. haha. Why not more songs like this, than pop songs about the same shit? Don't forget about this one if it's not in your library already.

Jessica Simpson sans Makeup

At the hair salon today a slew of new magazines came in and on top, was Marie Claire. When I picked it up and saw it, I didn't say it out loud, but I had a quick passing thought, which was "aww, she looks so sunny and summery and cute" and then proceeded to put it out. Right away, a woman grabbed it, glanced at the cover and said, verbatim, "oh my god! Jessica Simpson looks TERRIBLE! Look at this!", and proceeded to hand it around to all the other girls/women who were standing nearby. All of them were 'ooh-ing" and 'ahh-ing" about how she looked. Which to them, as well, was "terrible". I've learned over the years, having lived with my huge sense of sadness with injustices, big and small, not to say aloud what I was thinking. Because doing this usually sparks a debate longer than I want to defend. But, what I wanted to say in that moment, and what a ran through my mind was -"how sad". How sad that these women are that disillusioned with over processed, over made- up, over touched up images of women, that the above looked ugly to them. It made me sad listening to these women basically trash the above cover. I think she looks beautiful. I much prefer the natural look. I love being in no makeup. Even when I do wear it, it's usually just lipstick and a little mascara anyway. (I have been known to over-do lipstick as I have rather full lips. But, even that I am tiring of as it is too sticky and not great for kissing. And I love kissing so much more. :) I think I look more beautiful without it actually and in turn FEEL more beautiful.
So girls, check your look. Try not to over do it. See what you love about yourself naturally when you look in the mirror. That's the most pretty. A good attitude and a smiling heart shows in your smile. It is is seen in the glow of your skin and the sparkle in your eyes. Those things are the prettiest of all.
Bravo to Jessica! I think she looks beautiful! We need more covers like that.

Dr Sheryar Masud

A friend from Chicago that I grew up with, Sheryar, is now a chiropractor and sometimes public speaker who gives seminars. We are friends on Facebook and he only utilizes it to say motivational things. He's always been super smart and sweet- I'm sharing his comment from today below. If you want to follow him --his fb name is 'Sheryar Masud'


Sheryar Masud-- If you could see a MARK of SUCCESS on a person's body.....what do you think it would look like? Would it be smooth soft skin or fine manicured hands...what do you think? Let me tell you what you would see on me. Bumps, bruises, cuts and scares. The MARKINGS of SUCCESS are in the RISINGS every time we fall!

Joe Walsh- Life's Been Good

Ever since I can remember, I have always been partial to good, down to earth 70's and 80's rock and roll in the Spring and Summer. There is something about playing The Eagles, Joe Walsh, Boston, The Pretenders or any classic rock station and driving down the road with the windows open in the sunshine. Something so real and unpretentious and happy about it for me. This has alway been a favorite.

'The Buddha'- PBS Special

http://www.pbs.org/thebuddha/

I became very involved in Yoga a number of years ago, not initially to get in shape or that it was a fad but, after having read a lot of Buddhist philosophy in college. I loved the teachings of the stillness of the mind and how it is the only way to be. I've recently lost site of that, having let the pressures of the world shatter that practice, but it is the the only way to be in an unsure world. Look at how he just sits in contentment. Through wind, through rain, through other people's created chaos, others judgment- he is still. I can tell you when I live in that mind set, things (not just material, but the important things like love, health, opportunity and peace) flowed in my life much more nicely and abundantly.
That said, how fortunate was I last night to literally turn on PBS randomly just as the special, 'The Buddha' was starting. It is playing all week on PBS, and I've given you the link above so you can read a little about it and check your local listings. I believe there is also a trailer as well that you can watch here. One of my favorite teachings that they spoke of in the special was this (i scribbled it rather quickly after they said it, so I am paraphrasing)--'People get themselves in trouble when they thinks things have to have a name, or a definition, or a time line (like pretty/ugly, married,/single), they should just 'BE' and in the just letting it 'be', lies the contentment. Creating definitions of what 'should be' is the main cause of suffering,as things should flow like a river' ah-----boy that is so true ' Let me be a witness to that one and the suffering you can create. I find it amazing how things show up just when you need to hear them.
I'll leave you with the final line of part one from last night that was absolutely true-

"The world is a beautiful place, full of nature and beauty and stillness. Suffering only exist in your mind if you give it power. We create suffering, as it really is just an illusion. Breathe the Buddha says. Breathe."

HAPPINESS

This has been on my laptop since I got it. Happiness will not come 'when' you get something. Happiness is right now. I keep learning the lesson over and over that every experience is either good or bad depending on how you process it in your mind. What we tend to think of as trials are really gifts. When you see it that way, you smile your way through them. I need to pay more attention to what I already know. hope this makes you think also.

Let It Be-The Beatles

One of musical history's most eloquent, profound and 'truth of life' songs you will ever find. Ever. It has taken me a long time not to 'get it', I got the concept a long time ago, but to put it into PRACTICE in not just one or two areas of my life, but all areas of my life.
"Let It Be, Let It Be, Let It Be, Let It Be. Whisper words of wisdom, Let It Be."
Take heed. The simplest, purest way to nix the gap between chaos and heartache and joy and peace. Joy and peace is always right there and so much easier than what many choose.
Let It Be.

Easter Meadows

"GREAT FOR SPINNING IN MEADOWS"------that was the liner for this adorable Spring/Easter display at Old Navy in NYC. In NY you won't find your average window clothing display with mannequins and easter eggs and grass. As I passed the location in Herald Square the other day, I noticed movement out of the right corner of my eye. Looking to my left, I noticed that they had three moving poles with skirts stacked 6 high on each, spinning in all these amazing colors. It really was so happy and bright and springtime. Clever. You always get that extra step over the creative edge here. It's little things like those visuals that always make me fall in love with the artsy energy in NYC over and over.
So, HAPPY EASTER! Go find some pink eggs and spin in a meadow! :)