Two Choices

'Crazy'- "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"- Albert Einstein

I've done about 3 personal blog entries on my blog, all of which I have quickly taken off. One was really meant for someone else, and the others, well, I have this kind of belief about the blog- that if you are not sharing something to make someone laugh or teach them something or open someone to something new, that it is too private and/or narcissistic to share, and I 'm not a big fan of that.
Yet, I have read some that are personal that have moved me, that a have taught me something new about the person that has the blog, or I related to their story and had an "ah-ha' I've experienced that moment" revelation about myself, so this rare one that is ultimately a little embarrassing, honest, yet necessary, will not only do something for some of you, but mostly for me.
My boyfriend broke up with me Friday night. We had been arguing (because of what I am going to talk about below) and had tried a break here and there, yet I continued to nag and do what the problem I always had been, that it was inevitable. And this isn't a first. I love him very very much. For me, I don't think I could have found a more suited, kind, caring, smart, funny person to have the gift of knowing and loving. He's amazing. And taking a good look what I finally know to be true of any relationship, if it is really love, if you really respect that person, it is your duty to think of them first and if you continually hurt them and you know you're better than that, the only call of the day is to take a good hard look at yourself. Messing something up, being heartbroken, you have two choices- wallow in it OR take a look at yourself and change. So, I feel more for the pain I have caused him, than for how sad I am, and to me that is a gift. To love and respect something so much you honor them by taking care of your personal issues. That's why I believe there are certain people that do awful things to others, because they don't have a conscience. They don't feel true heartache when they hurt someone (a stranger, someone they know) Sure, sometimes they say sorry, but it doesn't mean anything and there is sure to be another 'sorry' just around the corner. Or they just go around hurting people because they are so cut off from their emotions, that they truly don't care. Neither one of these is in my heart, yet I do have a bad pattern that makes me be dry and paranoid and sarcastic and hurtful when I am just insecure, ultimatley. I'm not going to live that way anymore. So, like I said- Two choices.
The past 24 hours, I've been playing a reel of my life's history in my head. keeping the main focus on my relationship history, yet going back even further to who I was before I began dating and where did this issue I have begin.
I'm not going pull some Freudian analysis like I'm on a couch about my parents and my whole life story, because over all it was a nice upbringing. And anyway you can't wallow in the past or be sitting on a couch forever. YET, when you do the above "same thing over and over" that destroys something (for me, a relationship- for some it might be jobs, friendships, alcohol, yo- yo weight gain) you MUST work hard and be diligent and honest with yourself to change. I have done it with my eating, I've changed my whole diet years ago from the way I was brought up, to living a healthy lifestyle. I did it with my education, coming from a family who has no history of college and I was told it would be too expensive, you can't do it, I did it. I am strong and I will not hurt another person in my life. As I've said, it is going to be hard because obviously trying to just snap into being sweet and perfect every minute doesn't work, it''s short lived. I have have an insecurity in me in relationships (and you could watch a movie of me from 18 to present with the same behavior and endings over and over -it's very sad and comical) that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That they really won't love me after all, and the littlest thing they say or do that seems quite natural, I will take the complete opposite way and attack them for it. I'll try to tell him "I didn't mean it like that", but that's what it is, that what it sounds like. Right there, black and white. What I really mean, if I am honest is this-"I do these things that you don't deserve and I want to explain to why but for you not leave me or think I'm mean. It just ends up alienating him (as it would any respectable person)Paranoid, insecurity- It's very sad. and stops here. I hadn;t been stopped enough to make myself be that aware.
When I told a couple of people what happened, they all say the same thing, "But Trenny you're so sweet. You're such a good person I''ve never hear you yell or argue. I can't imagine"
So sweet. hmm. blah blah blah. This coming from c0-workers, friends, etc..." But ask a boyfriend. I am friends with a couple of my past boyfriends, (which does show me that they know I am not intentionally hurtful on purpose) they will tell you straight away (having talked to one of them last night-very weird and humbling by the way) , that I could have a tendency to make them feel like 'what did I do now?" A long ago boyfriend that I talk to periodically who lives in California and is an acting teacher and who is smart and kind and spiritually in tune with the world and himself -now married- told me this, and I am pretty much qouting because I made him say it again.--
"when you acted like I was going on a trip or doing something else without you and you took it as a personal rejection, or even if I worded something not to your liking, you would get upset and treat me emotionally unkind, it just made me want to get away from you." There is it is. Lightbulb. He said it made me seem to in need. Ah-"needy" . Here from the girl who has moved away from all she knew and been so strong in so many other ways. That's very strange and unattractive. blarck. Jack also says that he learned a great lesson after having moved to California and finally pursue his dreams and after falling in love. That he had finally found peace. But it was only because he recognized in himself that before he was peaceful, he had been so used to living a life of drama and difficulty in the past, that he was so used to it, that even if something was good, he would find a way to make it hard. Another lightbulb. We laughed and said maybe that's why we tolerated each other so long. (we were also very young and stupid) lol
How lucky was I to talk to him and for me to able to hear that. It isn't pretty, it isn't easy, it's embarrassing, it sucks, but I know that if I really examine it and be disciplined about this behavior in my mind and my heart,it will go away. I've been strong and seen it happen in my life with other things before, quite beautifully. He was also kind enough to tell me that a year before he moved to California, he thought of us getting back together, except he knew I had started my job with Billy Joel and wouldn't leave. That helped as it made me realize he knew me better than that flaw.
This isn't a long time journey, I know what to do, I just need to do it. Scott (my boyfriend, ex boyfriend's name. (god I can't even say ex right now) has had an awful 48 hours because of me. And up and down emotional roller coaster for ahwile because of me- I have been feeling like total shit too. I'm sure we both slept our weekend away. And like I said, living with having hurt someone so beautiful and seeing him depressed makes me so sad. It's so wrong. I love him so much that I will not carry that behavior around anymore. We both deserve better. Even if I can't make him trust me again.
Overall- I am a good girlfriend outside of this issue I have to work on. I love taking care of him and making him laugh and making sure he feels happy and good. The last ting I want is for him to think what anyone may think "boy, I just can't wait to move on and find someone nicer and better, someone easier". I don't want him to move on. I want to win him back. I want us both to be happy and easy. I can't do anything to rectify that today but leave him alone. That's what he wants. I need to apologize to his friends too, and I hope I get a chance to do that. I'm sure they don't think too highly of me either. And his parents. He is an only child and they love him so much and are so down to earth, I am ashamed that they have to have seen him so sad because of me. I want to make that better too.
So, the bottom line is this. If you have a reoccurring habit you don't like. If someone stands up to to and says "enough of your bullshit" -take it as a gift. Don't say sorry. Change. Take a look at yourself. Habits can be broken, you're life can be beautiful, but it's all up to you.
I mean how many times can a dog 'play' nice and you try to pet them again and again and they bite you. You defanitley will say "fuck it, that dogs gonna bite me and I ain't pettin' it anymore." I hope he can forgive me sometime soon and we can work this out someday soon.
(ironically, he is my neighbor and I can hear him blowing his sweet little nose right now through the walls. :( he's a little nose blower- and though he would always apologize to me for it, I even love that too. )