Some Rare Alone Time & Perspective

I haven't had alot of just me, all by myself alone time, in over a year . If I am not working, I was with my boyfriend, if I was not with him, I was with my roommate- the most alone time I've had, when I think about it, is on my car ride home. That's not alot...not real time..not enough. Tonite I did. All by myself. And I noticed something interesting. Yes, I like alone time. I like to be quiet and read and think and write and do my little artsy things, watch a girly movie, etc...I've lived in my own apartment before and was fine with it. But, I haven't been able to do that in a long, long time. Until tonite. I came home at around 6:30, alone. I plopped on the couch, turned on the TV and found myself just now, three hours later, still sitting here, in my work clothes, completely slumped. I laughed to myself when I noticed, and I realized one of the interesting things about sharing time with someone from my former point of view. I'd always felt like we had to be watching some interesting program or movie, talking about 'interesting', deep topics or making a fancy dinner. I thought I had to impress the person in my space, or make constant conversation, and in turn the other person felt that way too. ( people mistake that for high brow attitude, when it''s usually the opposite- insecurity. The feeling of having to always fill the space) I feel like I came down tonite. Down to the Illinois girl that likes to just sit and watch random tv in her jeans and just be a lump. I never allowed myself to let my hair down because I thought the relaxed,' mind blank' girl wasn't going to be 'exciting' or 'interesting' 'enough. And honestly, even on nights off and alone, I never really have been with a shared space. Guess what though? That would be true comfort. When you can just allow yourself to be quiet. I miss sharing my time, but I almost feel like I decompressed by getting to be alone and was taught the great lesson that it is true what they say about being really close with someone. That you should just let yourself 'be' and that's true intimacy. That is true relaxation. We spend so much time being 'on' for other people all day, you should be allowed to be a goofy idiot at home if you feel like it. Your home is not the Queen's palace. I am just a small town, down to earth girl really. I'm much more simple than I've let on to be. I work almost too hard to be 'on' during my work days,and even sometimes socially- impressing bosses because I am intimidated by all these fancy NY girls or groups of people that all know each other . Always have been. Sometimes, I also think there is some misperception of me that because of the way I look or the things I think. I'm not that complicated. And btw, I still see myself with crooked bangs and little buck teeth in the fourth grade, so I'm far from all that, if people judge a book by it's cover. I want people to know that side of me more. I think I mixed the lines of when I could turn that off and be free just to be me. Not anymore. Just to be content with being quiet and silly. Without that, what's the point? I think true closeness starts to evolve when you can just allow yourself to 'be' with another person, so they feel free to be the same. No big talks or lots of energy and perfection.No more being 'on' out of insecurity to impress people. Sometimes you want to be a slump and a slob. That's real and that's true intimacy. I haven't turned off in soooo long and it feels good. I'd rather be a hick than a snob..anyday! I am learning a great lesson and seeing a gift in what I just went through to use in my life. It would be better to be loved for my slob lazy side than a contrived perfect side. That's not comfortable or real. And in another way, it's nice to not always have to be accountable for what you do and when and how and always answer to someone. That's a great thing to have to- to do what you feel and be understood finally and not have to explain what makes you happy. That is a great gift to have and give in a relationship. To really listen to your instincts and honor those needs and just know.
Oh...and what I watched was one of my all time favorites for the, oh, I don't know, 1,000th time. This movie never fails to make me happy. :)